Mom Diary | To my firstborn.

You really cracked my heart and soul wide open.

A love like no other.

Written on the day of my planned labor induction.

Here I am, starting to write this lying in my bed tucked under the white sheets with some pale green stripes. Little pillow is between my legs and I am lying on my left side, observing my little boy, my firstborn, my almost three years old. Watching his little soft cheeks, red lips and so much peace in his body as he calmly sleeps while touching me with his right hand. He loves to know I am always here. Down my cheeks, tears. From my mouth, a prayer. A prayer for him, for me and for this little baby that will be birthed probably today. I am 38 weeks pregnant and due to this pregnancy complications, I will have to be induced today. She will be a bit tiny, about 2500 kilos. My little son was around 3600 kilos and I birthed him when I was almost 40 weeks pregnant. My first childbirth was magical. I went to pregnancy check at the hospital as usual, when they told me I am 6 cm open and then my water broke. I was not in pain for another half an hour or so. I even climbed the stairs up to the birthing room. On the second floor. I was in there for 3 hours, contractions were rough for hour and half, then they told me to push. I pushed for maybe 30 minutes and he came. My beautiful boy. We spent next hour alone, just him and I, he was on my breast and I was in disbelief how much love you can feel in an instant. The biggest, brightest love of my whole life. There he was. Here he is. Right next to me. My blue eyed boy. My little everything. I don't think he will ever know how much becoming his mom meant for me, for my whole being, for my soul and my mind. He changed me, he shaped this new me. He made me love myself more, appreciate myself more and push through the world with much more patience, love, gratitude and forgiveness. When I look back on myself sometimes I really can’t relate to that girl I once was. We have similarities, we have the same memories, same childhood, same life lived, but since becoming a mom, I lost a lot of myself I waited to lose for a long time. Losing it was a good thing. Because I gained so much more. So much more. And here I am, looking at him and recognizing myself in there. Here is my cocoon. In this bed, him on my arm, sleeping so tightly and feeling so safe. In that, I feel the safest too.

But now, I can’t sleep. My heart is pounding, my soul is restless, my mind swirling with thoughts, my body somehow feels unprepared for this birth. I just think about how this time around this is not natural and it will not be calm for my little girl and me as it was with my boy. No matter how many deep breaths I take right now, I feel afraid. Down my cheeks, tears are rolling again.